A blog of life, love, food, and fashion in the eyes of a college student.

I tried not taking my depression medication.

As of now, I am currently taking…(as I literally count how many on my hands)…4 things of pills. I take my thyroid one in the morning, an hour before I eat. When I do eat, I swallow my water pill, and down 3 “reishi” pills. Then, I eat again. Three more “reishi” pills. Then finally, before tucking myself away for the night, I knock back half of my Zoloft, and off to sleep I go.

How did I go from taking just one pill to downing nine a day? Well, the one said pill is the root of all my problems, but still. I liked having one pill to take. Really, I did.

I had told my doctor a few weeks ago, “hey, I’d like to be off Zoloft…I think I don’t need it anymore”. And the fact that it was gaining me weight.

“Why? CLEARLY you’re depressed,” he huffed at me.

Mind you, he had just told me my weight was now “out of control”, it was as if I looked like the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape or something. I miss being somewhat thin. I do. The saddest day, or, one of them anyway, was the day I could no longer fit into my favorite pair of American Eagle jeans that I’ve had since freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL. They were butterfly-soft, always closed despite me being bloated, and were always my go-to jeans. And I could no longer fit in them.

Aside from the past, I’d like to talk about the present–how I feel now, at this moment, with a kink in my neck and sipping Cherry Coke Zero, and essentially looking like a bum.

I decided I didn’t need the Zoloft, but there are some days where I’m just wrong. I sat there in my bed for a good ten minutes, staring off into some unknown place in my mind. I had no clue what I was thinking about–I was thinking about the future, that’s for sure. Or how I think my major’s a joke. Or how about not gathering everyone for my 22nd birthday dinner in two weeks?

Wait. I’m not even excited about my birthday.

Anyway. I asked my stepdad last night if he was able to come to dinner on that Saturday after my birthday. He looked at the calendar, and without a clear answer, he asked, “Who’s all goin’?”

“Well,” I paused, “There’ll be you, and mom, and Tony, too. Dad and Kathy, and hopefully Kevin.”

He huffed. He asked me something along the lines of when I was going to stop doing dinners together as a “family”. I asked if he was serious, and he looked at me, picked up some hunting magazine and went to the living room, with my dog trailing behind him.

I thought about it last night–maybe I’m too old to keep things that were once familiar to me close, like having a dinner for my birthday. We used to do Christmas together, and at the start it was just me, Tony, my mom and dad. My stepdad would go to his daughter’s house in Toledo for Christmas morning, and for a while, I got to soak in a brief morning of togetherness again. Then when my dad re-married for the first time, we attempted having my ex-stepmother over and my stepdad for Christmas morning, but obviously it wasn’t the same, so we nixed that all together.

Birthdays, it seems, were the only thing I had left. And now, at (almost) 22, I’m asked when I’ll let it go, and when I’ll do stuff separate, because apparently, nobody can get along with each other, or they simply feel left out when they clearly shouldn’t be.

As I type all of this, I admit; my eyes are borderline overflowing with tears. It’s not the lack of Zoloft, but the lack of familiarity in my life, or whatever’s left of it.

Whenever I think about it, I always promise to myself I will never do this to my kids–being tossed around like soccer balls between goal posts for homes and forcing them to divide their birthdays and Christmas’s isn’t exactly fair. Should the inevitable come and somehow they are where I am, I’ll try and make their birthdays and Christmas’s and anything else important to them someone they can grasp onto, no matter if they were 10 or 35 years old.

And then, to change the subject, I thought about the future, and if I’m truly happy with everything.

First, though, let me clarify the difference between being ‘happy’ and ‘blessed’, because everyone I’ve ever approached with my problems has told me countlessly, “You’re blessed!”.

Being ‘happy’ is when you have a smile on your face, and you find something/someone that you really enjoy, and you find yourself laughing, and you make the most of little things. Being happy almost feels like being lucky, because things go your way and the sun is smiling down on you, and it seems like there’s not a cloud in the sky. You could literally make your own sunshine on a rainy day, with whatever you enjoy doing.

Being ‘blessed’ is having a good family. A good home. The opportunity to do things that others cannot do, or being able to achieve things that no one else can. Being blessed simply means that you don’t have it hard–like having a car or a bed to sleep in.

I am blessed. I can’t even count on my hands how many things I’ve been granted with–I have nice parents, I get to go to college, I have a car, a few good friends…but really, some fill me with the happiness I crave and other times they just don’t. Though, I do have a theory–I think that the more blessed you are with life, the less happier you seem to be. I don’t get to enjoy the little things because I’m blessed with the bigger things, you know? Some people beat this theory, and yet, some live it; have you seen celebrities and how unhappy they are, despite them having a Rolls-Royce car or their own jet plane?

And then I always think of the status of my book. Or story, since it’s not actually published. I’ve written this story to death, I’ve thought about the plot over and over again, I’ve tweaked the details and tighten up the twists to the point where they’re ready to snap in my face and simply not make sense. I have no clue how J.K Rowling did it, but fuck, man. I want her skill. I want her determination to sit down and write like a boss. Here’s hoping I get it someday. 😦

I need tips on how to live my life, and they would be greatly appreciated in the comments section below.

xoxo, BC.

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So This is the New Year.

Wow. Several months.

I’ve had a lot on my plate lately, in terms of both emotions/stress/actual good things, but since it’s a new year and a new semester, lets get things going on the right foot.

The actual reason why I’m updating is because I want to define the word happiness. It is an emotion obviously, but should we sacrifice our own happiness for the sake of someone else? I’ve had to do it numerous of times–either because I was too scared to let go, scared of what would happen, or if I would actually be happy. Many of my relationships have withered away because I stayed, despite how unhappy I felt. Many of my friendships sunk because I chose somethings they did not. Essentially, that’s life in a nutshell. When you’re happy, it’s a sin; when others are happy around you, you’re depressed.

There are some silver linings though–thin lines, but lines nonetheless. Remember my goings on about the ‘old shoes’? Here, I’ll just admit it–I used to be in a national sorority my freshman year of college. I loved it at first–until after I was initiated. Things began to slide downhill for me, people began parting into their own cliques and there was I, all alone. My ‘sisters’ would ask me default questions, like how I am or where I got my shirt, not if whether or not we should hang out. My mom would tell me how proud she was of me, how I should stay so they wouldn’t haze me later or something. I wasn’t happy, but I stuck it out. I tried. I ran for positions, I tried doing ‘socials’ with them–but I found myself not wanting to go.

So I left. Paying over $200 every semester, especially when you don’t have a job, is ridiculous. I shouldn’t pay to be depressed.

However, I still wanted to join something at school, and thats when I fell in love with Omega Phi Alpha–they emphasize friendship, devote themselves to service, and are leaders in the making. We may be a small chapter, but my OPA sisters make me happy, and I consider them all as family ♥. I’ve never been happier, or more excited to go to meetings every Sunday, or even take part in OPA-related events and happenings.

CASE IN POINT — Do what makes you happy. Don’t be knocked down by empty insults–people insult you because they have nothing to do. However, take advice from those who know–if you’re not happy with something, change it. It took me a lot of strength and courage to drop my national sorority in favor for something better, but it puts a smile on my face everyday knowing that I’m part of something important, and appreciated. ♥

Same goes with everything, especially relationships. I, for one, am fortunate enough to not have ex-boyfriends that were dicks and harassed me. For those that unfortunately do, ignore them. They do not matter, they will never matter, and their words are empty, just like their lives. You do what makes you happy, everyday, for the rest of your life.

xoxo, BC.

At This Point…

At this point, I feel as if a wave of change is coming. Not sure why, or how I know, but all I do know is that it’s coming.

I’m going to let go of anyone who feels that I’m unimportant. I have tried to reconnect with people whom I’ve grown up with, but I’ve been overlooked. And that’s fine. If they want it that way, so be it; I’m not going to beg and plead to be their friend anymore.

No matter how shitty it gets, I will bite my tongue and do my job. I’ve looked everywhere for a job, and I finally obtain one at a flower shop. When the going gets tough, I’ll just grin and bare it–and then I can write a book on how many times my old co-worker has farted or that weird, mysterious white stuff on his lips (ew).

I will start saving for the future, in case the unbearable happens.

I will try new things. Like, for example, just now I made Easy Mac (Spongebob shapes, ftw!) and added ranch seasoning. I ♥ it. Try it sometime!

I was recommended for an English Department scholarship at my college. I’m going to apply, and if I receive such an award, I’ll be the better offspring.

I want to take a weekend and just write. I want 0 distractions, I need all the inspiration I can get. I want to complete The Voyagers so freaking bad.

Anyway. That’s my life at this point.

xoxo, BC.

Annoyed.

Ok, a quick pet peeve before I dash off to complete a math test:

Last night, after my creative writing class was over, my professor handed back our “absurdism” stories; essentially, think of things as surreal. Mine was about my addiction to the Sims since I was 10, and how I tried to find happiness in it, etc.

I thought it was good. She gave me a D. “Since this story fails to show absurdism…” What?! My blood was boiling, my body didn’t care that it was freezing rain out. My hoodie sleeves were rolled up, my hand clenched my assignment. A freaking D. I was doing so well. So, what do I do?

I write it on my Facebook (verbatim): “MOTHERFUCKER >< THE ONE TIME I WRITE A GOOD STORY, IT GETS ME A MOTHERFUCKING D. FUCK!"

My aunt’s obnoxious sister, who I think is responsible for the fall of the daycare, comments “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

FUCK YOU! 🙂 My Facebook, I do what I want.

Then my great-aunt from Tennessee writes “I am shocked at you.”

Really? Then unfriend me. I barely see you anyway.

And this morning, I get a freaking message from some lady I don’t know, and says “Mutha. Gram and Gramps are watching, along with millions of children”.

Uh, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! I DON’T KNOW YOU!

POINT BEING: It’s MY Facebook. Don’t comment on my shit if you don’t like it. Don’t send me creepy messages if I don’t know you.

ANYWAY. Owning my math test, brb.

xoxo, BC.

Cold Sweat.

I know I haven’t written in forever, for those who have kept visiting (have you?), but a lot has been happening–good and bad, of course.

Here’s the good:
1. I got a job at a local florist.
2. I got a 94% on one of my midterms.
3. My 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend is fast-approaching.
4. This semester is almost over.

Here’s the bad:
1. I’m going to be an aunt.

Well, I guess being an aunt can go both ways, totally depending on the situation, but in this case, we (meaning me and my entire family, including my poor brother) were definitely blindsided with this random pregnancy. It’s weird; I didn’t want to believe it was real. My brother showed me the ultrasound, and then said “It’s that weird little white wispy thing in the black mass. See it?”

I squinted. I gasped. My niece/nephew was at 5 weeks already.

I’m sure that, after this trimester is over, we’ll all be super excited. I even offered to throw my brother’s girlfriend a ‘gender reveal’ party and a mini baby shower–I still want to do these things, but for right now, I’m letting the shock ebb its way out of my system.

ANYWAY.

I joined a national service sorority, called Omega Phi Alpha. Best pair of shoes ever 🙂 though it’s really rather odd; the last time we had our pledge meeting, we were in front of where my old pair of shoes used to congregate, and they were pinning their new members. There was a girl, standing outside the door all alone, picking at her all-white attire, clearly nervous.

I wanted to shout to her, warn her of all the things I had to put up with. But then the door opened, a familiar face looked at me, and then shifted her eyes into the darkness of their rented room. I pray that she’s happy, whoever she was.

But the title of this entry, Cold Sweat, is what I felt when I woke up this morning.

See, I was dreaming about time travel. I dreamt that I went back to 1999 (weird) and told my brother everything that would happen, but he didn’t believe me. I then tried to tell our mom, and even our dad, but they thought I was delusional. I was trapped in my 10-year old body telling all these prophetic things, so they had a hospital come take me away in a straight jacket.

That wasn’t the only dream I had. Though I did have another dream, but then I woke up and peed, and went back to spooning next to my boyfriend, I don’t recall what it even was about at the slightest.

Hearing my alarm go off about 20 minutes ago, I swing out of my loft bed groggily, I feel like I had just hopped into a hot tub, and sat down at this very chair and feeling the cold of my fan hit my sweat-soaked back. It couldn’t have been hot in here; my fan was on rather high. Weird.

Anyway, I best be getting ready for my class at 11. I do promise to update more often, with more stories. As for all the features on the side? Work in progress.

xoxo, BC.

So far, junior year is fantastic. I have the easiest schedule ever, it seems, and some days it feels like I don’t even have class at all. All my classes that I am taking are a breeze; even math. I got one of the coolest math profs to teach this class, and I am super excited for it.

I do wonder, though, why I’m still stuck in terms of my personal life? I feel my feet ache from the constant struggle of trying to contact people whom I thought were friends, only to find myself completely ignored? And whether or not to let go of said people? Honestly, I feel that I have done nothing wrong. All I continue to do is blow sunshine up anyone’s ass in hopes that it makes them happy, and sometimes they just don’t care. So, now I don’t care.

My roommates are going through recruitment this year. I feel like a mom watching them talk about it, and them asking me about different groups. I hope I guide them well. 🙂

In terms of my recent endeavors, I’ve decided to rush a multicultural group at my campus; this should be interesting…hopefully, I won’t feel alone/shut-out/bored to tears like I did previously.

And…I have been contacted about a job, but I’ll have to contact them back tomorrow, but the prospective workplace is roughly 5-8 minutes from campus, and all I would have to do is desk work. Hopefully, I get this job and make some sort of income.

My dog, Kirby, who is almost 9 years old, could either be suffering from cancer or suffering from a benign tumor, I wouldn’t know until Wednesday. I love my dog to death; you rarely see such a light, carefree personality like you do in my dog. He runs around and chases anything that moves in our backyard, and curls up in a ball on the couch, and dozes off. ♥

But other than that, that’s the update so far in my life. I’ll update with more soon, and since I have possession of my mom’s camera, I may even take pictures. As promised. Over 1000 times. ♥

xoxo, BC.

Flipping the Page.

It’s almost 7am, and I sit in my bed amongst all my stuff for school. I am ready to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life; my junior year of college.

It freaks me out a little; I feel as if yesterday, I was just a freshman. I remember how nervous I was–how I was going to get around campus, who I’ll be friends with, where my classes were. Now, it’s no problem.

Since I decided on what to do with my life, I find that college life isn’t so hard after all. Journalism and Creative Writing? Well, still working out a minor to study, but whatever. For the most part, I feel confident that what I’m studying now is what I actually want.

I want this year to be ‘that year’ that I do all sorts of new things. I may even join a few orgs at school and actually DO something. I hope to get an on-campus job as well (because I absolutely hate playing phone tag with people that say that never received my application, and yet somehow managed to call me?).

And since I got some of my money out of my CD (Certificate of Deposit), I’m able to purchase a new Kodak EasyShare camera 🙂

Here’s to a new year, and hopefully new and happy experiences!

xoxo, BC.

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